Need... That is often a dangerous word in our society. Thoughts of codependency come to mind. And, what, with our whole women's lib movement, equality, self-sufficiency, and "me-me-me-" attitudes, "need" is almost a curse word.
(OK, so I'm being a little melodramatic, but hopefully you get my point) However, as I thought about what I loved about my wife yesterday, this is the idea that kept coming back. I need my wife. Now, before you think I'm some spineless, momma's boy who can't even dress himself in the morning
(which btw I did do all by myself today, thank you :), let me explain what I mean.It is a fact that in North America about 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's some serious stats looming over you as you decide to marry someone. Of course, no one plans to fail; no one plans to get divorced. But, it happens. What many marriage counsellors, psychologists, and whoever else studies this stuff have found is that, at least part of the problem, comes from our cultural view that independence and self-centeredness is important to you becoming a normal productive person. Now, you are probably saying to yourself that independence and self-centeredness are not the same thing. And, yes, I know that when you use the word self-centeredness, it seems so negative, but independence seems to be positive... but really, they are essentially the same thing. Here are dictionary definitions of the two words, and yes, though we try to give independence that positive spin, they both essentially mean that you do what you want to do (
Emphasis added).
Independence = The state or quality of being independent; freedom from dependence; exemption from reliance on, or control by, others; self-subsistence or maintenance; direction of one's own affairs without interference.
Self-centeredness = Engrossed in oneself and one's own affairs; selfish
When we enter that marriage relationship--and in fact any relationship really, though most other relationships do not have the same intimacy or reprecussions after a break-up as a marriage does--we are essentially saying that I am putting aside my own agenda and my own wants, so that our relationship can grow. That does not mean that we never get our way. Neither does it mean that we must serve the other person to the point of abuse. Of course not. But it is a mystery of life that when we willingly give ourselves to someone else, and serve their needs first, it WILL and it DOES come back to us.
What triggered this thought was an article I read by Dr. W.F. Harley Jr., a leading marriage counsellor and author of "His Needs, Her Needs." The funny thing is, I didn't get through the whole article... yet it got me thinking about this whole idea of need.
Whether we like it or not, we do need each other. Society could not function without one another. Our communities could not function without other people. No matter how much we want to be left alone, we really do need other people in our lives. I, personally, would go crazy if I had to cook and prepare three meals a day AND go to work for 8 hours AND wash my clothes AND clean my house AND maintain my car AND cut my grass AND trim my hedges AND take out the garbage AND setup my own server so that I can use the internet (which actually makes no sense without other people anyway) AND build and design the computers that I use at work AND... I think you get the point. Without other people, we couldn't do much.
"But that's just our materialistic-consumer-oriented society." OK, what if we were "self-sufficient" farmers of old. We would have to plant, tend and harvest our crops. How many could you handle? How much would you have to plant to feed yourself for a year? Would we keep animals for milk? for meat? for eggs? What about the winter? Ultimately, I don't know many farmers who do all the work themselves.
Now, I'm not saying that if you built a shack in the woods that you would die of starvation. Yes, there's plenty on God's green earth for us to eat. But our lives would feel empty and unfulfilled. This is getting to the point!
The Bible often describes the Church as a body, with Jesus Christ as the head. To Christians, God, Jesus, is our ultimate source, yet we still need each other, like a body needs all its parts. A finger cannot live on its own apart from the rest of the body, nor can a heart survive separated from the rest of the body (modern technology aside :).
I don't know why God made it that way, but we need each other. We are not all talented and gifted in the same way. Horror to everyone if I had to sing opera or develop Windows. We would be in very big trouble... and our ears would bleed with pain! We do need others to help us through some of our problems. We do need others to give us wise counsel when we are making major decisions for our lives. We do need others to comfort us when we are in pain. We do need others to sharp and challenge us to continue growing into the people we were always meant to be.
And how much more is this true than with the person you marry. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe that when you go to marry a person, it is NOT just because you love them, but you see something in them that you need. Sure there are people that can fill certain needs at various times and circumstances. But there is only one person who can fill the most essential needs in your life... and that is your spouse!
And when I look at my needs (Dr. harley lists 10 needs that seem to be the most important ones to most couples: Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Honesty and Openness, Physical Attractiveness, Financial Support, Domestic Support, Family Commitment, and Admiration ) I know that my wife is the only one that can fulfill all these needs. Though we are still growing, and we've been married for only two years, I see already that only she can fill these needs to overflowing in our lifetime. There may be other people who can fill in a need here or there, but never to the full extent that my wife can. And this means, that as long as I need her (which I do every day), we will hold true to our marriage vows to be together until "death do us part".
I love that I need my wife!
Labels: abstract, love
